09 June 2008 @ 06:36 pm
Spam with recs and a Harry/Draco Cake recipe!  

The lovely people who saved you from excessive spamming

1.) The wonderful talented [livejournal.com profile] winter_june made this for me. For my unbirthday, or rather my dog's birthday! (Heh, I whined!) It's a banner for Intense Veela Encounters and Catching Birds. And it features an almost naked guy (NWS!) with BEAUTIFUL wings! And it's OMGSOHOT! And all the little details there! There's rain and then that scene where Harry lies down on top of Draco, and Draco hugs him and pets him and calls him George, and makes the evil (but sexy) wings go bye-bye. *melts* ♥

2.) [livejournal.com profile] lokifan was TOO sweet and wrote me two (TWO!) drabbles, a fluffy Spike/Connor drabble and a sweet Harry/Draco drabble! *hugs*

3.) [livejournal.com profile] leochi whom I couldn't adore more if I tried, drew THIS for me! It's my slipper-thief-of-a-dog! Just awwwww. That third panel? That's sooo him. With that backward glance that says, "I have her slipper! I have her slipper! Is she looking? OMG! I'm too smart for my fur!"

4.) OHEMGEE! [livejournal.com profile] softly_sweetly is just ... ROWR! This, this, this! It's something that will make me very happy every time I enter my flat. Read about Faith (ME!) walking in on Harry and Draco shagging on her sofa! And ENVY ME HARD! *giggles*

5.) Also, because [livejournal.com profile] alaana_fair put my username above the conclusion (you're kidding about that, right? There's more?) to her spectacularly fluffy and adorable orphanage series, I'm claming that one as mine too! MUAHAHAHAHAH! *is grabby*

So. Squeeeee!



Feeling better and almost playing foosball



Today, in the morning, I got up and stayed up for a bit. I had coffee on the veranda. And then I played some table football with my sister when she came by.

Okay, actually, I just hunched down and grabbed the handles and then sort of leaned on them, hanging on for dear life, thusly doing a fairly accurate impression of Quasimodo. I lost, of course, but the score was 10:2 because sis managed to slam two autogoals. Heh.

I've probably confused her when I started screaming, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!" :D :D :D



Conclusive evidence that aliens want me to write Harry/Draco porn (This section is NC-17 rated)



Well, you see, it all started when [livejournal.com profile] awayfromlife reappeared on LJ the other day. The moment she did, my mind was inexplicably stuck in a crazy loop, continually chanting "JAM!JAM!JAM!" Which was odd. So I thought about this, with a dedication that can be summoned only after you had massive amounts of meds, and I remembered some other things related to this, something about silk scarves and dragons. Ha! And then the memories started flooding in. I have, in fact, written a sequel to the story Follow the Dragon. I remember [livejournal.com profile] awayfromlife had been distracted by the possible jam scene. (Draco had insinuated that he would like to lick jam off of Harry's naked body.) And someone else asked for it too. I don't remember who, but [livejournal.com profile] bryoneybrynn is probably a good guess. Apparently, I've written it and then I've forgotten about it.

So, I remembered where it was and I wish I could type it out and post it, but ... er... it's written in a super secret code (my illegible handwriting). I'll decipher it eventually. I hope.

But that's not the point. The point is that the story was written in my appointment planner. All over the month of March. I carry that thing around. People have access to it. *flails*

And to make things worse, I found this sentence written on a very official document.

Sentence rated NC-17

Harry licked the underside of Draco's cock with wet, long strokes, from the base to the head while raising his gaze to give Draco a wicked look.

*stares*

I mean, this is a totally generic BJ scene. But, for some reason, I HAD to write it down or OMG I would forget this brilliant flash of inspiration that will change the course of porn history. Yes, I had to write it. On a document. That should have ended up in the hands off my BOSS! But mercifully it didn't.

Considering I wrote all of that and I don't remember it, plus, these things are written down on very inappropriate objects, I now have two problems. And one of them is terrifying.

1.) Did aliens make me write Harry/Draco porn? (It's not a crazy theory. All aliens are gay. (Anal probing, anyone?)

2.) Just how many official reports, currently in the possession of my employer, contain random Harry/Draco porn written in the margin?

*quite honestly terrified*

Not to be mean — dangling jam!porn and then not delivering, here's the summary. I think the story went something like this: After a couple of weeks of dating Harry was all like: "How 'bout that jam?" and Draco was all like "I has jam!" (Except he's not a lolcat. Also, it's important to note that Draco most certainly waggled his eyebrows at this point.) Also, they still didn't have sex. For some reason. I resent this.

See? You didn't miss much.

And the rest of the story followed the following recipe (you are free to try this at home):





Harry/Draco Cake with Strawberry Jam (recipe; rated PG-13)



Ingredients

• 1 Harry (fully clothed, best to pick him while still at Hogwarts but mind the age of consent in your country)
• 1 Draco (fully clothed, best to pick him while still at Hogwarts but mind the age of consent in your country, also please try to obtain the snarky but fluffy version. This cake might not work with canon!Draco, but if that's all you got, try to mellow him down. Try paddling. Or you may ask Harry for suggestions. But he might also suggest paddling.)
• 1 jar of strawberry jam (it's essential that you have strawberry jam. Because.)
• a handful of words and phrases ("lick", "delectable", "sweet", "sticky", "smirk", "whimper", "curved his spine" and "Oh!" are a must)
• a bit of frotting

Topping

• a spoonful of fluff



Directions

1.) Take your Harry and place him on a not-too-soft but comfortable surface. Peel him. Shirt and tie only. Do not remove his trousers. This is not that kind of cake. (See: rating)

2.) Make sure you have the right kind of Harry. If he has no Quidditch-toned muscles and a tan, you may return him to the store and ask for a refund. If you prefer him without the said attributes, make sure you picked out a compatible Draco.

3.) Carefully smear jam over Harry's upper-body (you may use your Draco to do this for you, if you wish). Do not drool. You may take pictures, however.

4.) Make sure you covered all the sensitive spots. Don't forget the bellybutton!

5.) If you haven't already, you may unpack your Draco now, and peel him as well. (Still not that kind of cake. Leave the trousers on.)

6.) I said don't drool on the cake!

7.) Add "delectable", "lick", "sweet", "sticky", "whimper", "smirk" and other words of your choice, slowly. Remember to add punctuation as well. NOT randomly. Do this until all the jam is gone. If it takes too long, then and only then, you can proceed to peel Harry until naked. Please make sure you use the appropriate rating.

8.) Now carefully place your Draco on top of Harry (you may arrange them in a different order if you wish). Make sure that all corresponding parts ... er ... correspond. If Harry and Draco get glued to each other, it means you haven't completed step 7. Now it's too late to go back. Just add the word "sticky" again.

9.) Add frotting in the following manner: Grab Draco's hips, press down firmly, add the word "Oh!" and the phrase "curved his spine."

Stir.

10.) When the cake is nearly done (Oh, you'll know when) add more "Oh!"s. If you're out of "Oh!"s add "Ah!"s. If you're out of "Ah!"s add the phrase "They were surprisingly silent."

11.) In the end, add the topping. Don't overdo it.


Voila! H/D cake!





Also, if anyone has/knows of oneshoty porn or/and fluff — TELL ME, PLEASE!

 
 
Current Mood: crazy
 
 
( Post a new comment )
[identity profile] softly-sweetly.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 04:51 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing* oh darlin, you are the bee's knees!

And yes, all aliens are gay, and they do make us write pron in inappropriate places *prods them*
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 06:23 pm (UTC)
And yes, all aliens are gay, and they do make us write pron in inappropriate places

I KNEW IT!
(no subject) - [identity profile] softly-sweetly.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 07:12 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 08:40 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] softly-sweetly.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 08:45 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 09:28 pm (UTC)
lokifan[personal profile] lokifan on June 9th, 2008 05:12 pm (UTC)
LMAO. That's a great recipe. I concur with the paddling plan. Only thing: you forgot "delicious" on the adjective list.

This is so evidence of the fandom hive mind. Let Them Eat Cake, indeed!
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 06:27 pm (UTC)
It's a yummy recipe. *nods*

Eh. Delicious/delectable.

This is so evidence of the fandom hive mind.

Haha! Called [livejournal.com profile] enchanted_jae for she gave us cake this month!

Should actually write some cake!porn, I should. Eventually.
[identity profile] marguerite-26.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 05:52 pm (UTC)
That cake is just fabulous. My mouth is watering and um... other reactions as well.

Remember to add punctuation as well. NOT randomly.
bwahhaahahha!!!..??:;!

As for oneshoty porn, I wrote a PWP HP/SM if that hits a kink: Seventeen (http://marguerite-26.livejournal.com/189591.html#cutid1). (aliens made me write it!)



faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 06:31 pm (UTC)
Remember to add punctuation as well. NOT randomly.
bwahhaahahha

Heh. I don't do that. Ever! *shifty eyes*

!!!..??:;!
*shakes head*


Scorpius? Hmm. Hmmm. Dunno. Harry isn't some pervy old d00d cheating on his wife with his son's friend? Or actually wants the father but thinks the son will do? *squirms*
(no subject) - [identity profile] marguerite-26.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 08:39 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] marguerite-26.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 10:22 pm (UTC)
[identity profile] heathen-arcade.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 06:38 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're feeling better!

Hahahahaha! Report porn! Oh dear god, I'm worried for you. *crosses fingers*

Make sure that all corresponding parts ... er ... correspond.
That's a great line!
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 08:37 pm (UTC)
I either managed not to write porn where one shouldn't OR maybe my boss likes it? Heh!

That's a great line!

Why abuse thesaurus if you can use the same word over and over again? :D
[identity profile] winter-june.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC)
Oh, my, you are brilliant! My sides hurt, I'm laughing so hard.

You know, I've never thought about the aliens, but you may have a point. If I were a powerful mind controller alien I'd tried to induce talented people to write me gay porn too. Constantly. In any support or paper available (because, seriously, I shouldn't waste my time and all powerful-ultra-cool technology burning circles in a sown field if I could get lots of gay porn instead) *wishes she was a powerful mind controller alien* *or a power ranger, that should be cool too*

On a less happier part, I'm unable to finish correctly your wonderful recipe. I keep failing at #6 step. Seems there is a limited (even if it's quite big) amount of drool the cake can take. *damn visual images of peeled boys*

So happy you are feeling better!!
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC)
In any support or paper available

Even toilet paper?

Haha! Step #6 is tricky. I suppose you can drool on it if you don't plan to share it! :D

Thank you! Oh you're just showing off with the RED heart! :D So there:
[identity profile] alice-msweasley.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 09:29 pm (UTC)
hey sweetie!
Table football?! I'm probably the only person in the whole wild world that has never won a game. :D

This recipe is FTW! I loved this:
If he has no Quidditch-toned muscles and a tan, you may return him to the store and ask for a refund.

yes, I'm shallow *nods*

Harry licked the underside of Draco's cock with wet, long strokes, from the base to the head while raising his gaze to give Draco a wicked look

Man, you're good!

<3
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 09:37 pm (UTC)
I usually win, I do! Well, not always but still.

I don't think I would have the heart to return Harry to the ... er ... hypothetical Harry-store. Any kind of Harry! :D

Man, you're good!

Aliens made me do it!

*hugs* *hugs* *hugs* *is hugsy* *and kinda sleepy*
[identity profile] zebrui.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 10:36 pm (UTC)
May I say that I have complete love and adoration for your cake (and would love to eat it all day, every day). Recipe had me chuckling rather loudly all along.
You do know that the road from writing recipes to full blow alien induced slash is a very short one, don't you? ;) It's great to see the recovery is moving along well *snugs*

And I have a one-shot that fits all requirements that was bookmarked with you on my mind (hope you haven't read it before).
Enjoy! (http://asylums.insanejournal.com/hp_wankfest/7220.html)
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 03:47 pm (UTC)
Oh yay! I forgot about that oneshot! I saw it recced before but I never actually read it! And well, I've been looking for it! (Hey, wanking + Hogwarts!Fic= Heaven!)

Thank you! ♥♥♥

Glad you liked the recipe! Tuck in!
[identity profile] awayfromlife.livejournal.com on June 9th, 2008 11:05 pm (UTC)
Hah! I knew I was a good influence! And that recipe had me giggling and swooning so hard! Mmmm. It's nice to know you're up and about. Also, you should totally just leave random notebooks with random sex scenes in parks, offices, etc. It'd be like BookCrossing, only with porn (PornCrossing yay)! I'm sure you would make a lot of people very happy.
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 03:51 pm (UTC)
Haha! You're like my foodsmut muse. :D

Heh. PornCrossing! Ah, but see, nobody would know I wrote it then, so that would be okay! *has a plan*

Maybe I am making my boss happy! :D Um. Ew.
[identity profile] mamainak.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 05:53 am (UTC)
Aaaaa recept!! Haha, fantastiše! :P

Ajoooj, ja već neko vrijeme razmišljam o tome, takvoj ideji pisanja fica!!! I sinula mi ideja: HD community na kojem će se ficovi pisati po receptu. Svak dobije recept/prompt i onda napavi kolač/fic od toga!

Ili takav comm već postoji? T_T
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC)
This is what happens when I feel CRAZY and bored.

Well, there kinda is: [livejournal.com profile] hd_pots_n_porn. There are other (not food related) prompting comms too.
(no subject) - [identity profile] mamainak.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 03:58 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 04:02 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] mamainak.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 04:06 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 04:10 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] mamainak.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 04:11 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 04:13 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] mamainak.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 04:15 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 04:18 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] mamainak.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 04:21 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 04:23 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] mamainak.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 04:35 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] mamainak.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 05:03 pm (UTC)
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 03:57 pm (UTC)
Um. Znam I Hrvatski pricat. *zbunjola*
(no subject) - [identity profile] mamainak.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
[identity profile] kaykayen.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 02:14 pm (UTC)
ROTFLMAO! I don't even know where to begin! Does your boss close the door frequently and tell you he needs to, uh, analyze reports for a while? If I were your boss and found margin porn on my documents, you'd get a raise! And if the gay aliens are to blame, I'd be setting up landing lights straight to you!

I'm off to the store to pick up my ingredients... *g*
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
Does your boss close the door frequently and tell you he needs to, uh, analyze reports for a while?

God. Oh God! OH GOD!

And if the gay aliens are to blame, I'd be setting up landing lights straight to you!

Thank you? :D

I'm off to the store to pick up my ingredients...

Oh, I wish there is a Harry/Draco store! God, I'd never leave that place. I would simply have to try all models! In all possible positions and combinations! :D *is in happy fangirl heaven*
[identity profile] kaykayen.livejournal.com on June 10th, 2008 11:01 pm (UTC)
God. Oh God! OH GOD!
Was that a bad image? :D

Thank you? :D
Darling, if the aliens make your write what your write, I'm soooo encouraging them! ~_^

God, I'd never leave that place.
You and me both! Harry/Draco R Us, here I come! Can you see the security guards trying to throw us out at closing time?
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 11th, 2008 10:16 am (UTC)
Can you see the security guards trying to throw us out at closing time?

"No! No! We still haven't tried RockStar!Draco and Emo!Harry and OHMYGOD! Is that LeatherPants!Vampire!Draco!?"

"OUT!!!!"
(no subject) - [identity profile] kaykayen.livejournal.com on June 12th, 2008 02:49 am (UTC)
(no subject) - [identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 12th, 2008 09:11 am (UTC)
[identity profile] nightlo.livejournal.com on June 14th, 2008 05:26 pm (UTC)
Actually as I am busy, however, I really need my 'treat' during the day...I will print out the fanfic stories and 'pretend' to be doing my job, or to be reading something on the ride...

Esp during the long long meeting (they can last up to 4 hours), when the agenda is none of my business, I will read the stories, and pretend that I am making preparation, the key point is you must have a pen with you, making suggestive movement like marking or making points, don't forget to raise your head after some time...does this sound familiar with your experience?

And I will only dispose the printed materials at my home - better safe than being find out!
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on June 14th, 2008 08:54 pm (UTC)
Haha! I never actually read anything like that on a meeting, but I had THOUGHTS and I made PLANS! And then when someone asks me something, I have to take a couple of moments to shake of the vision of naked Harry and Draco! :D
[identity profile] lilith1631.livejournal.com on September 15th, 2008 10:01 pm (UTC)
*cough* I found the Jam again. *off to make a cake*
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on September 16th, 2008 05:00 pm (UTC)
I knew you'd look!
[identity profile] raglek.livejournal.com on September 23rd, 2008 03:55 am (UTC)
So I followed the aliens want me to write porn tag, and found this delicious recipe. Unfortunately, I can't find an appropriate Harry. Do you by any chance have an NC-17 version of this recipe?

LMAO!!!

*squishes* Sorry to hear that you had been in an accident, but I'm glad you're doing so much better!
faithwood.livejournal.com[identity profile] faithwood.livejournal.com on September 23rd, 2008 06:57 pm (UTC)
Every Harry is appropriate for this recipe! Just peel him!